Monday, December 3, 2012

Post: The End Is Near, Friends - But Which End Is It?

Here it is, the month we've all been waiting for. December, 2012, the end of another year, marking the time of reflection of the past and the expected scurrying to ready ourselves for the coming holidays.

As some of you are well aware, an ancient urban legend is about to be put to the test. Do you remember the Mayans? They apparently had a long and accurate calendar system with the last day falling on the 21st of December, 2012. While some new evidence suggests that it goes way longer than that, it would ruin the plans (and profits) of doomsayers. Let's humor them - the 21st it is!

But how is this to be done? What would make the world "end" in a single day (within the next three weeks)? For your convenience, I've compiled a theoretical list and arranged them from most unlikely to likely, so you can be informed and know how to survive them.

First: EUDs (Events of Ultimate Destruction)

These events are completely out of human control, cosmic in nature, and some are unpredictable. Gamma Ray Bursts, Galactic Mergers, Near-Earth Supernovas, a Solar Maximum, or a "Global Killer" asteroid exist in outer space, while Super Volcanoes or a Polar Shift are the greatest global threats. The likelihood of any one of these events are extremely rare in a given millennium, let alone in the next few weeks. The chances of spitting on a penny from the Empire State Building, blindfolded and spun in a circle twenty times, is greater than any of these events. However, they are theoretically possible, so what can be done?

Nothing. If any of these events happened, we're toast. Not even a bunker two miles under a mountain can save you. Sad, but true. Enjoy the last few moments you have with your family. It's the only sensible option when there's no other option. So sit back, relax, put your head between your knees and ... kiss your bum goodbye!

Second: Global Pandemic or Nuclear War.

How many nukes does it take to blow up the entire planet (reminds you of that Tootsie Pop commercial, doesn't it?)? At present, there are enough nukes to wipe out every major city in the world, and then some. And with fallout as a factor, if all were deployed at once, chances of survival are very slim. Poisoned air and water would knock out crops and animal life, even if you did find a two mile deep base under a mountain, you'll need food.

A less-loss-of-property alternative is a Global Pandemic, something nasty and incurable (monkeys and gorilla's are immune). A rapid-spread would make quick work to ending humanity. What better way than a rage virus?  That's right, zombies (or zombie-like). It's theoretically possible now, which is why zombies have recently shifted to sci-fi over horror. Woe to whoever engineers this terrible plague or launches the missiles. Can we survive these man-made horrors? Yes. All you need is this book and everything it tells you to stock up on. It may not save your life, but you can prepare for this. It may save someone who pillages your place for supplies later. For the good of humanity, right?

Third: Financial Meltdown or a Paradigm Shift.

Lastly, there's the most likely. History has shown what can happen in the event of a financial crisis or sky-rocket inflation - angry people. War ensues and things aren't cool for a while, but the world hasn't ended. It still rotates, still provides life. Our way of life has simply changed. The end of the world, therefore, doesn't have to be a tale of doom or gloom. Maybe it's the end of an old world and the start of a new one - for better or for worse. Still, it's good to be prepared.

That's why from now until the 21st, this blog is dedicated to helping you survive (if that's at all possible) the "end of the world." I'll share simple, economical ways in which you can prepare for the worst, just in case our planet does goes south. I'll even show you how to boil water without fire, gas, or electricity (including solar panel heaters).

Yes, it's possible, and it's totally awesome! 

Tip # 1: Always have one of these on hand. They save lives.

Be sure to click back often for more tips - most of all, don't panic!

*Note: This and other related posts are all in good fun and in no way should be taken as a sign that the author has lost his marbles. If he had lost his marbles, he'd be in your backyard looking for them.
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Now that I have you all worried and paranoid, maybe checking out these blogs will help you relax. Welcome to the Laire, new peeps!


Didn't think I would do my Shout-Outs anymore, did you? Glad to have you aboard everyone. And please, grab a virtual cruller!

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Whoa! I almost forgot! Today is the "And You Are ...? Blog Hop, were I get to answer a few damaging questions ( I mean, David Spade is the host, so how can I refuse that?). I'd like to thank Tammy Theriault and Emily R. King for hosting this hilarious hop. Without further much ado, here's the answers to questions that I really would rather not answer. Don't judge me.

1. How many speeding tickets have you gotten? - None. Ha! 

2. Can you pitch a tent? - I'll pitch your tent! 

3. What was your worst vacation ever? - Swim Camp. I even ditched the finals. Kinda happened in my more rebellious years. 

4. What was the last thing you bought over $100? - It's someone's Christmas present, so if I told you, the secret would be out, and that would spoil the surprise. 

5. We're handing you the keys to what? - A Hummer, right?

6. What was the last meal cooked that made even you sick? - Chicken Wings. 

7. Fill in the blank: Oh my gosh! Becky, look at her butt! It is so big. She looks like _____? - ... I don't know, the Grand Canyon maybe?" 

8. What was your first car? - An 88 Chrysler - drove like a boat. 

9. Your best friend falls and gets hurt. Do you ask if he/she's okay or laugh first? - I'd laugh first, but it's internal until I'm sure they're okay. 

10. What's the worst song ever? - Puberty Love, but thankfully it's a fictional song from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. 
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Update: At last! The first 1/3 of Undead Road is in the sack! Or, put to bed ... and tucked in. Cold weather out, and all. So that's 20K words done and 40K more to go. Last month was a bit of a trail among other things, couldn't do NaNoWriMo like the awesome Jayrod Garrett (way to go hitting the local news, sir!), so I'm going to do the unofficial PerDeWriMo (Personal December Writing Month) instead.

Sounds "purdy," doesn't it?

Have a great week, everyone. Keep on keeping on! 

What are you up to? Chopped down any trees lately? Cleaned out some gutters? Watched last night's Walking Dead episode?

I'm David, and it's high time we had a little zombie love ...


  1. I remember that song! It was awful. Didn't it kill the tomatoes though?

  2. If any of that stuff happens I hope to die in the first wave. Really who wants to try and survive a nuclear holocaust or zombie apocalypse? I watched all those old Twilight Zone episodes and zombie movies. It ain't gonna be any fun. Or Krusty said in the Simpsons, "I think the survivors would envy the dead."

  3. I need a Don't Panic towel. I think it will make all the difference when the world ends. And if you are into Hummers, you need to meet my husband. Seriously. And I admit, I'm really looking forward to Warm Bodies. It looks adorable.

  4. I wish someone would just definitively nail down the End Times date, once and for all. I have a lot on my bucket list I would go through if I knew for sure, starting with eating all the desserts I constantly deny myself.

    Hey, no ticket-- that's impressive. My first car was a Chrysler too. Station Wagon from the 70s. And I also called her The Boat or Bessy, both quite fitting.

  5. I liked the book Warm Bodies, so I'm kind of curious to see how this plays out on screen!

    I kept thinking about that movie "Duck and Cover" that they used to "prepare" people for a nuclear bomb. It's hilarious. Really.

    Have a great week!

  6. Love the towel! And I can't believe you don't have any speeding tickets.

  7. Ewww...on Swim Camp and chicken wings. Have a great week.

  8. Intriguing idea that you had last night regarding the mid-season finale of "The Walking Dead" when you tweeted that perhaps those born after the outbreak would not be infected.

    I kind of wonder if it is an infection.

    As for Warm Bodies, it kind of looks "stupid", but it may have a strong audience in February by branching the whole male/female separate interest barrier when it comes to love stories. That may make it a success. But I can't help but think "this sure does look like a spoof." And I have to be in the mood for a spoof.

  9. As far as the EUDs are concerned, I'm still laughing that the 2036 possible impactor (you know with the same chances as winning the lottery) is named Apophis. Awesome...

  10. That movie trailer is awesome! I mean, what a pitchable idea!

    And I think the Grand Canyon is a great answer. You could drive right through it with your Hummer...I just realized how nasty that sounds. Ha!

  11. It better not happen. I have something awesome planned Dec 22.

  12. Gosh that would really ruin Christmas!

  13. Oh dear, the world really better not end, or I'll never be a published author!! :(

    Lol a Hummer would be nice :)

    Have a nice day!

  14. Well, it's always good to be prepared when it comes to the end of the world! The laundry doesn't seem so urgent after reading your post, suddenly.

    And thanks for the shout out!

  15. A 'don't panic towel'? You're having too much fun, David.

    Check out the Operation: Save the Elf campaign sponsored by the gals at The Bookshelf Muse.

  16. Your answer to #2 scares me, because I don't know what you mean by it.

  17. OH! I feel so much more prepared for the 21st. Thanks for the tips! And I'd like to know what it is you got your wife ;)

  18. I often think about that guy from The Stand, Larry Underwood, who has just reached commercial success with his song when the apocalypse hits. Secretly, I've been holding back on my writing career just in case. Well, not really, but wouldn't that suck to have your novel debuting in 2013 and the apocalypse hits in 2012. I'm really hoping it's more of a paradigm shift to goodness and light, as in more of a metaphorical end of the world as we know it. By the way, my boyfriend has been studying the sun and it's been pretty quiet this year. That doesn't mean it can't suddenly shoot out an X-flare, but it's not looking like it will. I do love that scene from Knowing, though.

  19. You know, I'm not worried about an apocalypse or doomsday or anything. If it happens, I'm dead, right? So it's all cool. And if it doesn't happen, I carry on. Thanks for the shout-out, BTW. That's so nice!

    Your blog is one of the coolest looking blogs I've ever seen. Seriously. It's awesome!

  20. Well... this was uplifting...


  21. I don't know what it is about end of the world scenarios that grab my attention. Deep Impact, The Stand, The Day After Tomorrow, The Walking Dead...don't you just love them all?

    I'll pass on the real deal, though since I'd just as soon live a long long time :)

  22. I'm liking that towel. I need one of those right now!

  23. I used to be a HUGE fan of Art Bell and Coast to Coast, so I've been following 12.21.12 for more than ten years :)

    However, I do think we'll still be here on the 22nd.... I have a feeling this is going to be Y2K 2.0 :)

  24. I've been trying to convince people to give me my Christmas presents NOW so I can enjoy them, just in far, no one has. Darned skeptics. :-(

  25. I know my sons are planning an end of the world party on the 20th but we told them they still have to go to work the next day come hell or end of times.
    I better not get made into a zombie. I have a lot of books I want to read and I don't think zombies do that.

  26. Ha! It's very important to know where your towel is!

    Looking forward to your series on surviving the end of the world!

  27. Guess we'd better all stock up on those towels. ;)

  28. Chicken wings would probably kill me.

    I agree about the Zombie love. :)

  29. David, Your post is so fun. My kids especially loved hearing that a zombie virus is possible. I also appreciate the Healthy Writer button on the sidebar. I'm totally going to do that. I'll be back!

  30. The world better not end before my book comes out! *grins*

    Have a great week, David!

  31. I'm with Carrie! :)

    Great post David. Seriously, there is always so much thought out 'meat' to these. Totally worth every word. :)

  32. Dude, you got universes of stuff going on here! I love it. Keep it up DPK!

  33. Interesting, and thanks for posting! I love that urban myth. It makes me laugh every time -- just like those questions and answers did! :)


  34. well...that grand canyon has lots of cracks and crevices...just like big ol' totally works, david!

  35. Yes, definitely don't spoil the surprise! Grand Canyon? I guess that could work.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

  36. Hi David - thanks for the link up ...

    For Whom the Bell Tolls - I think I'll skip 21st December and the kids over here will be very distressed as it's end of school ... and I know lots of parties are happening - not a good time!!

    Warm bodies - interesting .. cheers Hilary

  37. Great post! I hear calendar sales are in the toilet for next year. I wonder how many people are going to go crazy, killing people and thinking there's no repercussions. Seriously...I'm on the lookout in case I teed off someone and don't know it.

    Hasn't anybody else gotten a speeding ticket? Or two? Thanks for the welcome and the shout-out link!

  38. Stopping by to say hi and loved the answers. Have a good day.

  39. Your post on the end of the world made me laugh. Mostly because it reminds me a picture I have just seen I would love to show you about the difference between an Aztec Calendar (the one you have in your pic), the Mayan Calendar and an Oreo.

  40. If the world comes to an end, I hope it's NOT by zombies. Zombies freak me out. I'll take any ending but zombies, eek!