Wednesday, October 7, 2015

IWSG: Warm Hearts and Cold Feet: Understanding Who I Am and What I'm Doing Isn't Just For Myself



It's that time again! Special thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh for creating and hosting the Insecure Writer's Support Group, a monthly forum for writers to share insecurities without fear of reprisal. Let's get insecure!

If you've been following along, it's no secret that I've had depression for the better part of this year. This last month was better, and something about being at Comic Con helped me switch gears and get the ideas flowing again. In my case, it's the hindsight, looking behind after the funk has cleared that a healthier perspective stepped in. I'm not 100% out of it yet, but I'm enough above the fog to see just how much all of this has affected others. I'm about to get brutally honest about what I think contributed to this episode, a trigger if you will, so I hope you'll bear with me.

I've been ungrateful without realizing it. For years I've pursued the dream of having something I wrote published, just as many of my writing friends have done or continue to pursue. And for me, being fortunate enough to publish in a big house made the realization of this dream that much sweeter. My expectations climbed. My hopes soared. I learned quickly how much work there is after publication and went about following in the footsteps of authors I've admired for years. Results varied. Most avenues I sought wouldn't open their doors to a new author, one without a sales record behind him.

And then I fell into the trap of social media, watching what looked like amazing experiences that my writing peers were enjoying. Massive turnouts at signings. Trips to exotic places. Conventions around the country. Always smiling. I was jelly. Something was missing in myself. In trying to find out what, I dug a deep hole, as humans sometimes do. Having a new submission turned down didn't help either.

This isn't a calling out of my peers. Any measure of success should be celebrated in whichever way they deem best. I simply absorbed this in an unhealthy way. But I will share what I experienced recently that served as a wake up call (without names). I joined a table of authors who I look up to, and was struck by their complaints--the total opposite of how I had perceived them on social media.

It was at that moment when my rose-colored glasses came off.

Was I contributing to social media in the same way? Were my posts not reflective of my actual life, just the good parts? Was I truly unhappy and looked to social media as a means for relevancy to feel better about myself? Who was I really doing this for, anyway?

I've changed my tune since then, and I apologize for this brief hiccup in my life. I understand that if I am to succeed at a writing career, I have to work harder than ever. Light that midnight oil again. Three writing projects have replaced my time on social media, including a self publishing project. My heart hasn't beaten with this much excitement in a long time, while my feet are practically frozen with doubts of pulling back. But I will never know unless I give it a try.

No matter what happens, I'm freak'en proud of what I'm doing.

This journey isn't about me anymore. This is for all who wish to join me, who enjoy what I have to say. Because this is who I really am. So do me a favor. Take some gauntlets on your way out. Slap me with them should I ever think of crawling into that hole again. Savvy? 

How do you avoid the traps of social media? When times are tough, how do you keep writing? What do you do to stay on track?

I'm David, and I think I'm turning 33 this weekend. Crazy!

43 comments:

  1. Happy birthday! I stopped counting at forty.
    We do see only the good and tend to start to compare. But our journeys are all different and not always what we expect or see in others. Glad you are climbing out of the funk now. You've still accomplished more than most people ever will.

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  2. Ignore the hype. For every triumph an author posts, behind it are at least 3 or 4 failures. It's easy to fall into the trap of "What the heck am I doing wrong?" Be freakin' proud.

    Happy birthday early.

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  3. Wow, happy birthday Sir Knight! 33 is a good number! I'll take one of those gauntlets and put it to use should I need to. (heh heh) I am proud to be your friend because of your honesty and sense of purpose and love of your family. And look, none of those reasons are because you're published by a big Traditional! Everyone has rough patches. Glad you're progressing through...

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  4. I've grown so used to reading about everyone's else's success that I no longer worry about it now. All I can do is keep writing and see what happens. No worries. (At least most of the time)

    BTW, My birthday is on Monday.

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  5. Man, social media is rough. I too have fallen trap to exactly what you've described. I routinely have to take breaks from it and wish I could quit it all together. Too bad I can't, for the sake of my future writing career. One of these days I'll figure out a healthier way of working with it.

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  6. Happy early birthday Sir David, my beloved Knight! :) I'm so happy that you're coming out into the light from the darkness. You, my friend, know my deal.

    I'm not on social media as much as I probably should be. I'm working on it slowly. The first half of the year was great, the phffft. So there goes that.

    You know I'm with you ALL the way, cheering you on for success! **Swipes two gauntlets on the way out** Love ya!! Hugs.

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  7. It's birthday season. =) I think it's easy to get trapped in that dark corner of wallowing. Breaking out of that place, well, we can only do that by letting in more and more light, but it requires a consistent effort of pushing aside shadows and focusing beyond. Here's to overcoming!

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  8. Happy birthday, my friend! (I'm only three years behind you!!) I read this post and my heart ached with sympathy and complete understanding. You know why? I went through a similar patch earlier this year, right before I got my agent, and then again just a couple of weeks ago. This writing journey is already not easy on the heart, no matter what accomplishments we've achieved... and social media compounds that. Sometimes, it's terrific looking at big turnouts at signings and amazing international tours (all expenses paid by the publisher, of course!) and seven-figure movie deals with 21st Century Fox, because it reminds us that IT IS POSSIBLE. For us, too. But sometimes it seems like all of that stuff is just something that happens to other people. I know. We all know. We've all been there. Take care of yourself and take a social media break if you need it. You and your writing projects are worthy and wonderful (which is what I try to tell myself when I'm low) and we have to remember it's for them that we do this at the end of the day - those stories and people in our heads that won't let go. Hugs to you! (Sorry for the sermon, this post just really hit home)

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  9. Happy birthday, David. Comparing our results with someone else's is trap. Don't fall into it. No happiness that way, just heartache. Writing is much more fun, the only thing that makes me happy, even if I don't have thousands of readers. I wish you happy on your birthday. As one of my writing friends says: "Write, dammit."

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  10. I'm glad the last month was better. I'm not surprised people only post the good parts of their life on social media. Who wants to admit that something isn't perfect and show weakness like that? And happy birthday. Have lots of fun.

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  11. Happy Birthday!! You really were depressed (I remember one post in particular), so this is great news :) But I can see how it happened. Comparing yourself with others never works. I'd feel like a real loser if I depended on that for my writer self-esteem, with just one novel to my credit. Not saying I don't fall into the trap, but I really try to avoid it.

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  12. Many happy returns of the day! For me, i'm blessed to be able to tell social media to take a flying leap, because i know i'm not a writer/artist/whatever, just the janitor. It's enough.

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  13. I'm so glad you've found your way through. I had my blinkers removed early about how author 'more successful' than me were doing. Not many of us are even close to making a living at this. Except for blogging, I don't spend many hours on social media.

    Susan Says

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  14. Oh, and happy birthday. Only 33? I feel so old.

    Susan Says

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  15. I'm sorry to hear you've been in a funk lately. But I know exactly what you mean when you talk about social media only highlighting the best parts. I'll be honest, my activity with social media varies depending on my mood because I do find that it can drag me down. Especially when I hear that this person got an agent and this person got a two-book deal and I'm still querying. Forever querying it feels like. I agree with what Julie said—sometimes it's necessary to unplug ourselves from social media. And if it helps us have a healthier perspective of ourselves and all that we've accomplished, then even better. Good luck to you—I hope the next few months find you in a better place. And Happy Birthday!! :)

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  16. We all have those moments. And it sounds like you learned the important lesson: it's better to see the good in what you've accomplished rather than seeing what others have done. And Happy Birthday.

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  17. Dear Sir David, you have certainly roused a lot of support with this blog. I too am delighted you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and am so pleased you have realised the trap you fell into. Being Grandma Dragon, I don't need a gauntlet, thanks.

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  18. Awww, David, you are just a babe. I have 10 years on you, never been published, but I still think that you have a lot of good writing left in you. Being grateful for the small things is a lifestyle choice to cultivate, and it will keep you happier, too. I also think you should get your kids a cat (hee hee, just came here from Mimi's page :). Good luck with the new projects and remember that sales aren't experience points, or hit points, or any of that. Just sales. Life is way more than that. Good times and smiles outweigh hits or sales any day of the week!

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  19. I can definitely relate to this. It's tough to avoid the comparison game when everyone's always posting good news and success! But we all have rough patches. It's a tough industry!

    Hope you have a great birthday! :)

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  20. I think you should be proud of your accomplishment as a writer to be published with Scholastic is a big deal. I think it is best not to compare yourself to others as you are unique as a writer. I wanted to ask is your book offered to schools through the scholastic book fairs?

    Feel inspired work on your new project, burn the midnight oil and things will come together.

    Happy Birthday!

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    1. Last I heard Woven is available at the book fairs. Thank you for your kind words and fine poetry. :)

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  21. We are taught to always put on a good face; and that good face for authors is supposed to equate to sales. Can't all be JK Rowling, but of course she had her share of rejections and grueling publicity runs before finally hitting it big with a franchise. Can be really depressing to compare yourself to others. I'm glad you are coming out of the funk David. Be proud of your achievements. It was a lot of work to get here, and will likely be a lot of work to keep it up.

    I'll send you a smile once in a while just so you know its ok to growl like a normal human :)

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  22. Happy Birthday! I'm glad you've had this wake up call, I always find it's better not to compare with what others are doing. We all do things differently :)

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  23. Hi David - a very happy weekend ahead and 33 - oh I'll swap my years for yours??!! You've done really well - and experienced much ... we need the experiences - for the hassle, but for the learning curve and finding ways to climb out. The dreaded D - I'm glad you're clambering out and will I'm sure rise above it and write some more.

    I loved Woven and must do something about the review ... big hugs - congratulations on only being 33!! You've years ahead to write and enjoy life ... just have fun, relax and let the world worry about itself ... cheers Hilary

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  24. Happy Birthday, David. You're my daughter's age.

    Depression is scary. Anything can trigger it. You should be proud of what you have accomplished.

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  25. Happy Birthday, David. Thanks for keeping it real. I do the same on my blog and social media, too. I don't over-share, but I don't gloss over anything either. Power to you and your new projects!

    Sorry to leave a link, Blogger won't allow my wordpress comment:
    Daily (w)rite

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  26. It's so easy to look at others and see only the good things, especially with social media, and then put ourselves down as a result of others 'apparent' success. The truth is we all struggle. We are all conditioned by society to only talk about the good things in our lives. What we don't see or share are the darker times and the work that goes into achieving any amount of success. So, we often see a false image of who people are.

    Depression is a scary pit to climb out of, and I believe that it's only by doing that we begin to clear the fog. It sounds like you are on that 'doing' path again. What you must never forget is how much you've already achieved, and use that to inspire and motivate yourself. I know you can do it!

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  27. Oh, I can relate. My own depression is often triggered like this, too. It's far too easy to get caught up in other people's successes sometimes, and to dwell on your own setbacks as a result!

    On a happier note, though...happy birthday! Hope it's a great one for you! :)

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  28. The temptation to compare oneself with others is really strong with social media, why I think writers especially need to limit our exposure to it. Especially when the negative feelings keep us from our creative work. Very cool that you're excited about your new project!

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  29. I really appreciated this honest post. I think many of us have felt the same way. It is often hard to stop from comparing ourselves from others. Social media can be tricky sometimes because we see the good things and most people don't post the bad.

    Glad to hear you are on a roll with writing! Wishing you all the best. :)
    ~Jess

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  30. Happy early birthday, David. You've accomplished more than so many of us have, but coming from someone who has succeeded in her day profession, success, doesn't exempt us from depression. People who don't suffer depression or those who can't comprehend how powerful it is, often fail to recognize that depression doesn't need a cause. Many of the people I'm associated with mistakenly believe depression is only justified if someone is going through a divorce or lost their job, etc. They also believe that I posses this magic wand that I can waive over my quivering legs and just snap out of it. Well, if only I'd thought of that. All those wasted, painfully, emotionally, gut wrenching days. I should have just used my wand or magic beans and snapped out of it.
    I do suffer from situational depression as it relates to the death of my daughters, but I also suffer from generalized depression that comes from nowhere, out of the blue and it doesn't need any kind of trigger. I'm sure you don't need me telling you that it can lead to dark and painful places. It can be short-lived or it can last for lengthy periods. It can be triggered or it can pop up seemingly from out of thin air. For me, the three worst things about my depression have to be (1) it is involuntary; (2) That no one seems to understand that, they think I have everything in the world going for me, so what could I possibly be depressed about, and (3) I hate for my children to see me or sense the emotional sadness that consumes me. I take great pains and make every effort to hide it from them, but I can see it in their eyes. They know when I'm feeling emotionally drained, whipped, saddened.

    I wish I knew what made me this way, because I really do have so much to be grateful for and happy about, but I can't control my mind. I've never been ashamed of my depression or hidden it or lied about it, but I've never discussed it this openly on the Internet, either. I have you, David, to thank for giving me the courage to open up about it.

    I admire you for speaking so openly about your depression and I'm so happy you're coming out of your dark place. Comparing ourselves to others is never a good idea and I think we all learn sooner or later that what others share on social media is always their greatest accomplishments.
    I think you're doing what's best for you and you have to take care of yourself and your family. As long as you enjoy writing & your heart is racing like it did when you first fell in love with writing then you know you are on the right path. Sometimes I take long breaks from social media because if I don't I will never become a published author and that's my goal, not to become a social media guru. We have to reevaluate what's truly important to us and what matters to us deep inside our heart. We get caught up and taken in with everything we hear and read. "If you don't build your platform and engage for hours each day then no agent or publisher will want you." Well I have to put that in perspective. If I don't complete some books, then its a guarantee, no agent or publisher will ever want me.

    I'm proud of you, for putting you, your family, your mental and physical health and your needs ahead of the race to stardom. The rest will fall into place when it should. You've already demonstrated to yourself and the professionals in this business that you have the talent, now it is time to nurture yourself and write the way that will take you back to the passion you once felt.

    Thank you for your candor & honesty for giving me the courage to open up about my own struggle. You are a strong man, with character and dignity & I'm honored to know you.. Your post was sincere & genuine, it touched my heart and resonated with me in a way no other post ever has.









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  31. David,
    First, happy birthday!

    The thing about social media is that people usually post highlights. Years ago, I posted on my Facebook about this fun vacation I went on with only shiny happy pictures... I didn't advertise the food poisoning or my struggle to get through what was supposed to be a fun water sports lesson or my sitting through the long plane ride back with my fussy child. I wasn't sharing the less fun stuff because I was embarrassed about it or anything, but I preferred to remember the more pleasant parts of my vacation. Perhaps that's how it's like for others too.

    Moments and periods of self-doubt happen to the best of us. It sounds like you're doing better now, and I hope you continue moving forward.

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  32. Social media is skewed. People don't want to be whiners. They don't want to talk about all their troubles because others will stop following them. Plus it's nice to have somewhere that is separate from the hard parts of life, somewhere you can escape. But readers don't always remember that it's not an accurate portrayal of a whole and then it's easy to become jealous, depressed, angry, or a whole slew of other emotions. We all fall into that trap. Glad you're coming out of it.

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  33. What a lovely, honest post! Thanks for being brave enough to share that. I've recently self-pubbed my first book, and got an agent for another, and it's definitely weird how quickly the awesome wears off and then you're pulled in a million different directions between marketing and new projects. I'm trying to find that balance of doing what I really need to be doing (writing!) and marketing. And yes, it's easy to get jealous of other people doing cool stuff - I do all the time :)

    BTW, I'm 33, too!

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  34. Making art makes you vulnerable. There's always so much "noise" surrounding the process it's hard to keep wearing that thick skin. Happy Birthday!

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  36. Yes, that is the double-edged sword of social media. Sometimes you say, "Phew, I'm glad to know I'm not the only person that happened to." Sometimes you say, "Oh no! I didn't know they could do that to an author! Could that happen to me?!" And often you think, "Why can't THAT happen to me?"

    I am learning to deal with the fact that this is how it rolls in the publishing profession. Nothing is guaranteed. There will be ups and downs. Maybe even a lot of downs. But if you keep at it, there will be ups again.

    And since I quit my day job, I guess I better accept that and keep at it. NOTE: I did not quit my day job in expectation of being a bestselling author. I quit because I could not live with being a "tester" instead of a "teacher" and because everything I loved about teaching was being taken away from me.

    But this is my new profession, so I am striving to overcome the depression that saps me in the low times -- and just keep writing. I hope that you are reaching the same place.

    If I ever get out to Utah, we have GOT to get together and swap stories!

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  37. Sir David...

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY.... Yes, I believe we all need a "SLAP" with a gauntlet from time to time.

    I appreciate your honesty and we ALL have our ups and downs in life. I know I try to keep a very positive outlook on my blog, but we are ALL HUMAN and we ALL have dark sides to us, even us "Positive" sorts.

    My life has been INSANE all year and I am still plugging away. SO many exciting things and opportunities happened, BUT, they didn't pan out the way I had hoped or dreamed. SO now I have to focus on getting my work back OUT THERE and not rely on fate to do MY JOB. I think we all put our hands up and hope divine intervention will show us the way. BUT in reality it is US who have to plot along and make those connections AND be open to them. Depression CLOSES too MANY DOORS, we cannot let it get the best of us. We are talented, creative beings and we are EMOTIONAL.... we just have to remember to step back, KEEP BREATHING, and trudge on...

    All the best, my fellow comrade. You will do fine. Always believe in yourself, because we all believe in you...

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  38. Guys, your comments are wonderful, reassuring, and your perspectives much needed. I'm glad I can open up here from time to time and be real. Thank you all. I feel wiser and better prepared for the course ahead. :)

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  39. I've been struggling with depression since late last year too, and it just makes doing anything so much tougher. It's probably why I haven't written anything since Feb. Therapy has been very helpful.

    I do the same thing with social media, and there's beens several studies that showed how social media especially affects people who are depressed or struggling with something. It just kinda makes you worse. It's always good to step back and focus on you.

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  40. You should be proud, David! I hope you had a great birthday!

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  41. Happy Birthday. Glad to see you're making your way out of a slump. Don't let the hype get you down. Focus on you and your goals; it's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Oh, and be proud of what you've accomplished. There are so many pointing the finger who haven't done anything worth mentioning.

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  42. Depression can hit hard. But you are awesome, and happy birthday!

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