Are you tired of convenient, easily accessible food?
Are you sick of all the choices at your local market?
Wouldn't life be simpler with plain and simple tastes?
Well, look no further, Fellow Humans! Because today we're offering you the diet of your lifetime (which can very well save your life!).
The Zombie Survival Can Diet!
The Zombie Survival Can Diet? What's that, Dave?
I'm glad you asked, Concerned Citizen! It's the revolutionary new diet that guarantees a smooth transition from taking your-pick-of-the- crop to scrounging-for-crumbs in the event of each of the following:
Food shortages, Famine, Drought, Plague, Bad Hygiene, War, Nuclear War, Armageddon, Fiscal Cliffs, Locusts, Meteor Showers, Asteroid Collisions, In-Laws, Super-Volcanoes, Ice Ages, Tidal Waves, The Death of Justin Bieber, and all other "End of the World" scenarios!
Sounds great (and weird), Dave, but ... how does it work?
I'm surprised you're still with us, Survivalist-In-Training!
All you need is one empty tin can. Simply bring your can to the table and fill it with whatever everyone else is having until it's full. Then dig in!
You can eat whatever you want, so long as it fits inside this standard 3x4 inch can, three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year! It's THAT easy! But wait ... there's MORE!
You can also order the Couple-Can, consisting of one 4x7 inch can - a perfect meal sized for two. Or, you can order two 3x4 cans and share some variety with each other as you enjoy your last meal on Earth!
And, for a limited time only, you can get yourself the #10 can, which can comfortably fill the tummies of a family of six!
Once you get used to these serving portions, you'll be able to better handle a real food shortage without breaking a sweat. It will also keep you from overeating, which promotes weight loss. It's a win-win!
That sounds unlikely, Dave ... Why would I do this to myself?
Let me give you some real, first-hand accounts, Skeptic Scully!
THIS girl chose to not use The Zombie Survival Can Diet - and now she's running for her life, looking like a wuss. Don't be THIS girl.
Be THAT girl instead! She's been on the The Zombie Survival Can Diet for years, and she's running from these zombies like a champ!
Hang ten, girlfriend!
I don't want to be THIS girl, Dave. I want to be THAT girl!
You're almost there, Easily-Gullible-Viewer!
All of this can be yours, yes, ALL YOURS, for the low, introductory, your-money-will-be-worth-nothing-in-the-morning rate of ...
... Not $10
.... Not $5
... But $1,221.12!
That's right! .... $1,221.12!
For the ilnumerate, that's: Twelve Twenty-One, Twelve!
For the illiterate, that's: .---- ..--- / ..--- .---- / .---- ..---
If you don't know Morse Code, that's: XI,XXI.XI
If you don't any of that stuff, then ... your dead ...
For the complete and FULL package, get your checkbooks ready and dial 8-1-ZOMBIE-CAN! - again, that's 8-1-ZOMBIE-CAN!
Our mobile operators are standing (idly) by to take YOUR call!
Can YOU survive the coming apocalypse? YES, YOU CAN!
Don't starve - just go hungry! Order your cans today!
* * *
* * *
PS. I just did some math, and $1,200 really is how much you'd pay for a year's worth of 3x4 cans (1,095) for one adult. Trippy, huh?