Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Fourth Platform-Building Campaign: The Second Challenge: Cost Of Crossing

 
Cost of Crossing

Sereh leaned against a rusted support, her hair sopping wet as she held Bengi in her arms. The frigid morning air showed his breath. Good, she thought. He’s alive.

Aside from the bump on his head and the cut on his leg, he would be fine. After a short rest, they would be on their way. They finally made it across the river.

No one ever made it across the river.

“We did it, Bengi,” Sereh panted. “We’re free.”

She glanced at the broken bridge where they jumped, then looked at the opposite shore where they had spent their young lives. No more harvesting. No more blood draws. Sereh would not let them take what was not theirs, or rob her of the love that they could not feel.

Bengi stopped breathing. His chest ceased to rise.

Sereh leaned close to his mouth. Nothing.

“No,” she whispered. “Bengi?” She shook him. “Bengi!”

It was true—the scarecrow story that kept everyone from leaving the compound. They did not account for death. Like venom, the toxic waters had entered his bloodstream. And she had swallowed some.

Sereh held Bengi, cried, and waited. Even this was better than what they left behind.

- 200 words
- A genre that is not my own: Dystopia 
- This entry is open for public critiquing

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Do to time constraints, I was not able to invest as much time as I would normally like to use all of the challenge prompts. For the full prompts, click this link. There's also many writers participating that's worth reading.

I'm David, and this is a sweet looking water pear!

55 comments:

  1. DPK...

    *shakes head*

    Everything you do turns to gold. I love your writing. That's all. Oh, and "liked" of course. ;)

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  2. OMG, this is so sad. Love the writing and the story sounds so interesting I'd love to know more. Nice job!

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  3. This is really well done, and you may want to consider dystopian in your future - amazing!

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  4. This is sad! It's a creative take on the prompts and I enjoyed reading it. (#30)

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  5. Always amazing writing! Blown away by your imagery and emotions.

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  6. That water pear is aweeesome (hippie voice).

    As usual, your entry was amazing!!

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  7. Nice. I liked the story, you managed to give a lot of info despite the small word count. The only part I would comment on is this "Bengi stopped breathing. His chest ceased to rise. Sereh leaned close to his mouth. Nothing."
    It just felt a little repetative for something so short where every word counted. But that's just my opinion.

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  8. This is a powerful piece. It is hard for me to get pulled in to any flash fiction because of the word limitation (I know I am in the minority on this), but your piece hooked me and had me on the edge of my seat. You convey so much raw emotion with so few words. I would never have guessed this was not your preferred genre. It is full of suspense and I wanted to read more. I wanted to know what kind of place she was escaping from. This is awesome.

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  9. Fabulous entry. And well done writing in a genre not your own.

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  10. Beautifully done! I had an inkling the guy wasn't going to survive, though I didn't expect the girl to die too.

    Is that a new blog header, or am I just unobservant?

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    1. The header is new. Still toying with ideas. It might change again soon. And thank you. I didn't expect her to die either. :)

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  11. \well done and perhaps you were being emphatic not repetive?
    \sue #48

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  12. Sheesh that's sad! Intriguing though. Maybe you need to try some dystopian :)

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  13. Excellent micro-story. (Although, it felt very science-fictiony to me.)

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  14. Nice job! I liked it. I'll hopefully get mine up later this week.

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  15. Nicely done! Good imagery and motivation. I felt for Sereh. It's difficult to make 200 words leave a lasting impression, but you've done just that.

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  16. Isn't this grand? You've got a way with words and an incredible sense of pacing! Good job!

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  17. Nice work! Is this something you came up with from the top of your head or something you pondered for a while?

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    1. Read the prompt and wrote it up in about ten minutes. I could have spent longer on it (and used more of the prompts), but the week turned out super busy. Thanks! :)

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  18. I am shocked that you find the time at all to do the writing prompts! But well done Monsieur. You always offer a good read :)

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  19. What a sad ending, but I'm glad the two characters are free from whatever the horror was they left behind. Thanks for sharing!

    By the way, did you change your blog design? It seems to look different today. I like it.

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    1. I'm working on changing things up. Nothing huge, just the header and such. I'm glad you like it, and thanks for reading! :)

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  20. Just a note to say you've made it to the next stage of judging :)

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    1. Awesome! Thanks for letting me know. :)

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  21. Aw, that was really beautiful. And sad. But in a good way.

    Thanks for the post!

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  22. This was so well-written... and sad! I felt Sereh's pain for sure. Are you thinking of expanding this story eventually?

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  23. Aww, just when I thought we might get a happy ending, you twist the knife :-)

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  24. That was awesome. Definitely voting for you.

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  25. That was so great! I'm so glad you shared!

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  26. What a sad ending. Breaks my heart. I hope she lives and loves again!

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  27. So sad. But another epic success in the DPK writing world. :) Never disappointed by your work!

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  28. Power to you for doing these, I admire it:)

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  29. Great appeal to the senses, and so sad at the end! Thanks for sharing.

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  30. I enjoyed this! You are in Sereh's head so well that we get the backstory we need while feeling her pain and determination. I thought Bengi was her brother rather than a love interest--maybe it's the way she cares for him and encourages him?

    Also, thanks for stopping by my blog and congratulations on winning a prize from the campaign! You can contact me at celesta.rimington@gmail.com with an address for where you would like the book mailed.

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  31. I love your use of adjectives. And that is a cool water pearl.

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  32. "Even this was better than what they left behind."

    They must have been running from someplace terrible.

    Great story! :)

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  33. What a sad twist but enjoyed the piece. Would love to know a full story on where they were before escaping. Sounds intriguing. :)

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  34. so tragic and moving and unlike you!
    great job!

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  35. Consistency. Your writings are always consistently good. Just another case in point. So good, in a tragically sad way.

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  36. Excellent. Sad, but excellent.
    Melissa Maygrove #14

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  37. How sad! But a great story! Very emotional!

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  38. Dystopian is so sad, isn't it? Mind you, anything with a dog will be LOL. Very nice writing and compelling to read.

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  39. Very sad, but also very powerful - I felt like I was there beside them while reading. Your descriptions are incredible! I was not expecting that little twist and the end and it makes me want to know more. Great job!

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  40. Congratulations! You've been shortlisted to the semi-finals=)

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    1. Very cool! Thanks for letting me know. :)

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  41. So impressed with your entry and congrats on being shortlisted to the semi-finals!

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  42. Oh, I had so hoped for a happy end, but I guess it had to go that way.

    (I'm #82.)

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