Grumpy Bulldog is hosting the first ever Bah Humbug Blaghfest, asking us to write the 12 things that we hate about Christmas. Due to time constraints, however, I'm going to be a real miser and cheat. Star Wars style!
Kidding! That was a warmup. While I very much enjoy the Christmas season, there are a few things about it that bug me. 12 things, to be exact. And they are:
12 - Christmas Pop Music:
Just about every vocalist with a recording contract comes out with a Christmas album eventually. While some do a good job, the vast majority try really hard to put their own spin on a classic, stretching those vocal cords to almost unbearable lengths. And with auto-tuning, it's only getting worse.
11 - Failed Expectations:
I actually enjoy shopping, and finding that good deal, and while some are very good at telling you what they'd like when asked, others say "I don't know what I want." Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a great mind reader. I try my best to figure out what they would enjoy, only to see masked disappointment on Christmas day. Good thing I include the receipts.
10 - Pushy Kiosk People:
So I get stopped by those guys at the kiosks in the mall, right? Well, one time they actually had something that someone I knew would appreciate, but no way was I going to spend $100 on a little box. But this sales person was so insistent, the price was whittled down to $60 for two. I could live with that. Then, after I made my purchase and signed the receipt, they try to sell me THREE more for $40! And I had to say "no" THREE times before they left me alone. Really? More than anything, it makes me question the value of their product.
9 - "Sending Those Christmas Cards:"
For one, it costs a lot, after it's all said and done. And second, it leaves a nasty taste in my mouth, licking all those envelopes. And third, they end up getting thrown away anyway. Which is why I've adopted sending Christmas emails with a one-page attachment updating family and friends on our past year.
8 - Ham:
No ham. I'll only do turkey or beef brisket, Sam I Am.
7 - Traveling:
Nightmare. The first time I experimented with growing a goatee, airport security searched me THREE times. When I flew back with a clean-shaven face, not searched at all. Hmm. If we do the train, it arrives and leaves at the worst possible times (3:00 AM/11:30 PM). And the roads. Yeah. I'm done.
6 - Holiday Shows/Movies
Now, there are many that I like, but what I don't like is having them play over, and over, and over again. I don't know what AMC is trying to prove by playing White Christmas all week long, but I'd rather catch up on what I missed with Walking Dead. And don't get me started with ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas!
5 - Seasonal Merchandise:
Even before Halloween arrives, stores stock up on an over-abundance of Christmas stuff, for a holiday that you'll only display the stuff for maybe a month. What do they do with all the stuff that doesn't sell?
4 - Crossover Products:
Converting every known candy, cereal, or personal hygiene item into some kind of more food coloring-laced, extra scented and sugar-added hybrid. Not a fan of cinnamon deodorant. Keep it simple, mkay?
3 - Rising Tensions:
The closer it gets to the 25th, tensions rise everywhere. Particularly on the road. Relax. You'll get to your destination eventually. I've already seen THREE crashes happen on the same one-way trip back home from work last week. The roads are icy. Slow down. No need to add car insurance issues on your list.
2 - Offended People:
Look, I don't know what the deal is, but as an American citizen who welcomes people's rights to celebrate what they may, would you please grant me that same right? I don't celebrate the Festival of Lights, but I won't get offended if you wish me a Happy Hanukkah. May I please wish you a Merry Christmas without a scornful sneer? Or do I have to resort to "Have A Highly-Acceptable 24 Consecutive Hours!"
1 - No White Christmas/Destroying My Snowman:
I live in Utah now, and, supposedly, we have the best snow in the world. I want fresh snow every Christmas so I can build a cool snowman with my boy, which the middle school kids eventually mess up (and they write profanities in our snow as well). You mess with my snowman, and it's on, buddy!
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Noticed THREE a lot in this post? Anyone know a good numerologist who can make sense of that for me?
I'm David, and now it's time for some Hoth Cocoa!